a new russian drama 9-16-2003 @ 4:47 p.m.

So we've already established that Friday was not such a banner day for me, right? As soon as I shook the overwhelming standing in the middle of the freeway feeling, I got the delightful news that my temp job was to end. In one hour. That's a lot of time for myself and my temp agency to prepare, isn't it! Being in the very much behind on my rent circumstance (and am still) I figured that I needed to update the Daddyman. Maybe I was hoping that he would remind me that I always could move in with him into a two bedroom, maybe I was just looking for some emotional support...
Yes. I will pause while you laugh. Yes. I know better.
Luckily, on my way home, I quickly made some spur of the moment plans with a swell mommy friend of mine. The weather was walking a nice line of crisp and warm and I figured that the lady of the house of Knoll would welcome adult conversation (especially since her husband doesn't seem to be adult and is lousy for conversation) and I was right. THANK GOD FOR THAT.
The girls and I went home, snacked, changed into play clothes and headed to see the Daddyman. As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed that his parking space was filled. With a big silver Extera. Hmmmmm...
Oh yeah. KGB drives an Extera. One of the times I had to restrain myself from strangling the Daddyman was when he saw an Extera commercial and he got all misty remembering the adventures they'd had together in that SUV.
For those of you coming in just now, the "adventures" were mainly scoring crack cocaine.
So I am alarmed, but not surprised. Even though they hadn't spoken that I was aware of, since August 25 (when KGB highlighted her plan of "marrying some middle-aged judge and having his heir") I figured they would.
What to do? The fact remained that he had no minutes on his phone, and now the girls were expecting to at least say hello. There was information that needed to be shared.
When he answered the door he wasn't too flustered or suspicious, but said "I have company"
"Yes I recognized the car."
"I have company that just took a shower and is getting dressed."
"Oh." I said as I didn't enter the house and started to back away from the door. " Well, I couldn't get you by phone, figured you were out of minutes since there was no voice mail option. Figured I'd stop by."
"No voice mail? I was low, I must be out."
"That's what I figured. Anyway- we'll clear out. I just thought you should know that my job ended today."
"WhAT?"
"They aren't hiring me permanently and my last day was today. They told me at 3:30. Considering everything, I'm kind of upset. But we're going to the house of Knoll to play. I'll talk to you later and try to get you a phone card."
"Let me walk you to your car."
"That's okay, I just wanted to make sure I could get a hold of you."
"She just stopped by unexpectedly" (This makes perfect sense being that he wasn't calling her. She would drop by to make sure he was thinking about her. Obsessing and depressed about her. Y'know- normal healthy stuff.)
"That makes sense. She just dropped by and took a shower. Whatever."
"This doesn't change any of the things I've been thinking about. We didn't have sex"
"Okay whatever."
"I'll call you later, when she leaves."
"How? Your phone is out."
"I'll call from her phone before she leaves..."
"Uh, no. I'll get you a card and drop it by later. Don't forget the picnic with the baby is tomorrow.."
"Tomorrow?! I have a gig tomorrow!" (Gig out of the blue. Don't talk for 24 hours and the gears are turning turning turning apparently)
"Tomorrow is the 13. It's tomorrow at 10:30"
"Okay. You'll take care of that for me? I'll see you later?"
"Yep. Much later."
"Nothing happened."
"Nothing but she dropped by unexpectedly and you invited her to take a shower. I know."
-curtain-

monday,monday it's here to stay -9-15-2003 @ 10:07 a.m.

Everything about the picnic was a mess (no real directions, getting there late) but it was all forgotten once we got to visit with the baby. The Mina never tires of her. The Daddyman spent the whole time talking to the baby’s adoptive father- going on and on about himself and his plans. But the baby is so happy and well and content. She is just this joy to see and be around. I feel sorry for her mom having to go back to work now that school has started.
Every time the baby sees us – myself, eep, and the mina, she has this immediate recognition thing- like “there you guys are, hi!” with a baby face full of joy. It’s really cool. She did it to the Daddyman too, even though this was the first time he’s seen her since her birth. It’s clear that she’s very aware that we’re family to her. Hopefully that warmth from her will never change.
When I told the baby’s mom that my job turned temp after all, she was very sympathetic and cool. Things are going well with them and she can still afford to pay for my phone (thank god) without me even having to ask I got reassurance.
In regards to my climb up the cliffs of despair,(oh and do look back at the entries for 9-12-03 if you're confused. What a day) I’m just focusing on getting some interviews set up today. But my bad luck didn’t end with learning my job did. Suffice it to say, that I can’t just be served misfortune, but I always get an extra garnish on the side.
But that’s not for today.

upbeat, not beat up; 2003-09-12 3:32 p.m.

Tomorrow I'm going to a picnic for birth parents and adoptive parents and their kids. This is coming at a good time for me. Seeing April who is adorable and invariably happy and secure with her adoptive family is, believe it or not, a pretty rewarding experience for me. When we were at the hospital I loved watching her Mom holding her, and her whole family. Whenever I see her it's great because she's cute and happy and I have never had a moment of doubt that I did the right thing. I have not ever doubted it was the right thing to do once. I have, at times, felt profoundly grateful that I found someone else to fill her overflowing with love.

I worry that someday she will either hate or idolize me. I mean, her family are a normal, plain family. I -on the other hand, live at the vortex of drama. I know that even with the stipulations that she be able to contact me whenever she wants to, that many of her mysteries will be involving me. I hope that I'm available and present enough that she just knows that I'm human and I'll be whatever I can for her. Being removed from the everyday parenting of her will equip me to be her queen of insight like I am to so many of my friends. But I don't really have any hopes like that for the April. I've quite willingly placed whatever hopes I have on her parents.

The thing that amazes me the most about this whole journey was how blessed I felt giving this baby to this family, and how easy it all is. My faith that it was what was meant to happen was then, and is still- gigantic. That makes it not only easy, but wonderful.

So tomorrow I get to visit with the best decision I've ever made. I'm going to be proud of myself. I'm looking forward to it.

an ending; 2003-09-12 3:28 p.m.

Well, I just was told my temp job won't be permanent. Today will be my last day. This makes me really sad. I'm trying hard all things considered, not to get completely sunk by this. It wasn't challenging after all, but I liked that. I'll probably be doing updates from the job lab starting Monday.

It really sucks to be me right now.

I went down, down, down- and the flames went higher ;2003-09-12 10:41 a.m.

Things are not as bad as I am feeling they are. Today I am a rain cloud, complete with thunder. Remember the disclaimer I spoke of the other day? How I usually laugh when things get maudlin? Remember my distress status quo? Well, today I am just upset and sad.

I know there is a way out of this place and I will find it. It's just that right now I feel like I am in the middle of a giant speedway. Everything is racing around me and it won't ever stop. So even though there is part of me that knows this is going to pass- right now I can't move.

My week has been okay, in spite of the fact that I've done nothing to take care of my big problem/picture. I know I have to- that my landlord is a nice guy and he will only passive-aggressively chastise me a little. It won't even be that unbearable, except that I can't look at my immediate situation. My brain is trying to find A BIG SOLUTION. Nothing is impossible, I just can't move.

GET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF IT.

Once I get over the hum of "I can't believe I'm at this place again" I think I could get through if my circular reasoning would just stop. It's going so fast- and it begins with I have to get the Daddyman out of my life and ends with I can't get the Daddyman out of my life. It's so impossible to overlook what an emotional open target I must be. No matter who is trying to help the other it strips us bare to the bone every time. Even with a diary to speak to about these things, even with that exercise, I realize how weak I still am in spite of my awareness that something in me was (is?) growing stronger every day. I must have been wrong or I wouldn't be here again. My awareness and growing confidence was no substitution for my stupidity. You leave those flanks open and you lose what you have to stand on. I really wish rent were cheaper here. I make a fine wage. A fine wage for a single girl who lives alone. A fine wage for half of a working couple. It's screaming all around me that financially I can't do this alone. It spins all the rational thought and emotional strength out of me like a fucking salad spinner.

If this was a television fantasy I would have my revelation, blink once slowly, and be transported to the desert. "At least here there is peace." I would think. Sure is hot, though. I'd blink up at an unrelenting sun. Sure seems close. Oh well. I can get used to this at least. After all, I can always find the water I need.

But as I stand in the center of the Speedway, part of me knows that all that waits on the other side is the desert. Financial desert, emotional desert. It's bleak and dry and trying. I think part of me is staying in the terrifying middle of the mess until I can see something on the other side that is better than the desert.

If I've been picked up by a cyclone, I want more than anything not to be set back down in godforsaken Kansas!

Maybe now that Johnny Cash is in heaven he will be my personal champion up there. Maybe he can do something to make sure that my feet avoid the slippery rocks.

dramarama meter; 2003-09-09 2:31 p.m.

Here's something to think about. Everyone who thinks woman are born to doubt themselves when something bad happens to them, raise your hands.

yeah, me too. It's part of the over-analyzing everything glitch.

I am not nearly as distraught as I probably should be. Maybe I should write a disclaimer that clearly states: THIS IS NOTHING NEW. This is everyday bumps and turns. This is only an orange level of distress. Consider this the status quo.

On "As the World Turns" there is a character SUSAN who found out her new doctor/husband RICK was the HOSPITAL SERIAL KILLER. (She's a doctor herself, - a smart lady, recovering alcoholic, formerly conniving.) Her serial killer hubby RICK is in now in police custody. SUSAN's trying to come to grips with how she could have missed noticing the serial killer tendencies in her hubby. She ran out of her house and her daughters EMILY and ALISON(Susan is late 40's early 50's- with a 35 and 18 yr old daughters-realistic...) were worried SUSAN went to have a drink. Turns out she was looking for an AA meeting. She didn't go because she wasn't sure how she was supposed to say "Hello, I'm SUSAN. I'm an alcoholic who unwittingly married a psycho serial killer...!?"

That sentence seems pretty normal to me. A regular level of bizarre. The drama status quo.

Another long time complaint of the Daddyman is my interest in that soap opera. (AS THE WORLD TURNS) I recently pointed out that while I choose to watch a soap opera for entertainment. He chooses to live the soap opera.

I want a time out;2003-09-08 2:39 p.m.

I'm distracted and stressed out about money. I need to tell my landlord what money I can give him for rent now, and when he'll get the rest, but I find myself unable to make that call. I am a disappointment, and I'm in disappointment mode. I really wish I could just put on some kind of grown up costume and play the part, but apparently I can't.

I have a theory as to why this is happening though. I am letting it happen so someone will have to rescue me and maybe I will finally, just finally decide that my only option for survival is to cut the Daddyman out of my life completely once and for all. Have catastrophe be the deciding factor.

I have to realize that this hasn't worked before. One thing my mother said about my parents' decision to not help or be able to see me anymore until I got help was that she hoped that "He would finally step up to the plate and help his family." I found that odd then, and I find it odd now.

My mother's dearest wish is that the Daddyman no longer factors into my life at all. Yet my parents acted in a way (see my post titled "Baby Sister") that forced him to be the one loyal person I had. So now that I am working again, I still have this misplaced sense of obligation that I need to care for and nurture this person who, realistically, has done nothing except make my life more complicated. Because did the Daddyman step up to the plate and help his family? He did try. He tried to until his life became so dramatic that we had to take a backseat.

Here's another interesting question to pose, true believers-

Does LAP want to create chaos and catastrophe so she has no other choice but to move in with the Daddyman?

I'm a little worried that part of me wants that. As to why that might be, I can't say, other than I am lazy and want to spend my money hither and yon rather than using it to be a grown up mommylap in a grown up mommylap costume. I am no longer deluding myself that my sexual connection with my ex hints at some greater life for us both if only he could make some emotional breakthrough. I know that I really believe that whatever I might get from him is not worth what it costs me. It costs me too much just to understand him.