upbeat, not beat up; 2003-09-12 3:32 p.m.

Tomorrow I'm going to a picnic for birth parents and adoptive parents and their kids. This is coming at a good time for me. Seeing April who is adorable and invariably happy and secure with her adoptive family is, believe it or not, a pretty rewarding experience for me. When we were at the hospital I loved watching her Mom holding her, and her whole family. Whenever I see her it's great because she's cute and happy and I have never had a moment of doubt that I did the right thing. I have not ever doubted it was the right thing to do once. I have, at times, felt profoundly grateful that I found someone else to fill her overflowing with love.

I worry that someday she will either hate or idolize me. I mean, her family are a normal, plain family. I -on the other hand, live at the vortex of drama. I know that even with the stipulations that she be able to contact me whenever she wants to, that many of her mysteries will be involving me. I hope that I'm available and present enough that she just knows that I'm human and I'll be whatever I can for her. Being removed from the everyday parenting of her will equip me to be her queen of insight like I am to so many of my friends. But I don't really have any hopes like that for the April. I've quite willingly placed whatever hopes I have on her parents.

The thing that amazes me the most about this whole journey was how blessed I felt giving this baby to this family, and how easy it all is. My faith that it was what was meant to happen was then, and is still- gigantic. That makes it not only easy, but wonderful.

So tomorrow I get to visit with the best decision I've ever made. I'm going to be proud of myself. I'm looking forward to it.

an ending; 2003-09-12 3:28 p.m.

Well, I just was told my temp job won't be permanent. Today will be my last day. This makes me really sad. I'm trying hard all things considered, not to get completely sunk by this. It wasn't challenging after all, but I liked that. I'll probably be doing updates from the job lab starting Monday.

It really sucks to be me right now.

I went down, down, down- and the flames went higher ;2003-09-12 10:41 a.m.

Things are not as bad as I am feeling they are. Today I am a rain cloud, complete with thunder. Remember the disclaimer I spoke of the other day? How I usually laugh when things get maudlin? Remember my distress status quo? Well, today I am just upset and sad.

I know there is a way out of this place and I will find it. It's just that right now I feel like I am in the middle of a giant speedway. Everything is racing around me and it won't ever stop. So even though there is part of me that knows this is going to pass- right now I can't move.

My week has been okay, in spite of the fact that I've done nothing to take care of my big problem/picture. I know I have to- that my landlord is a nice guy and he will only passive-aggressively chastise me a little. It won't even be that unbearable, except that I can't look at my immediate situation. My brain is trying to find A BIG SOLUTION. Nothing is impossible, I just can't move.

GET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF IT.

Once I get over the hum of "I can't believe I'm at this place again" I think I could get through if my circular reasoning would just stop. It's going so fast- and it begins with I have to get the Daddyman out of my life and ends with I can't get the Daddyman out of my life. It's so impossible to overlook what an emotional open target I must be. No matter who is trying to help the other it strips us bare to the bone every time. Even with a diary to speak to about these things, even with that exercise, I realize how weak I still am in spite of my awareness that something in me was (is?) growing stronger every day. I must have been wrong or I wouldn't be here again. My awareness and growing confidence was no substitution for my stupidity. You leave those flanks open and you lose what you have to stand on. I really wish rent were cheaper here. I make a fine wage. A fine wage for a single girl who lives alone. A fine wage for half of a working couple. It's screaming all around me that financially I can't do this alone. It spins all the rational thought and emotional strength out of me like a fucking salad spinner.

If this was a television fantasy I would have my revelation, blink once slowly, and be transported to the desert. "At least here there is peace." I would think. Sure is hot, though. I'd blink up at an unrelenting sun. Sure seems close. Oh well. I can get used to this at least. After all, I can always find the water I need.

But as I stand in the center of the Speedway, part of me knows that all that waits on the other side is the desert. Financial desert, emotional desert. It's bleak and dry and trying. I think part of me is staying in the terrifying middle of the mess until I can see something on the other side that is better than the desert.

If I've been picked up by a cyclone, I want more than anything not to be set back down in godforsaken Kansas!

Maybe now that Johnny Cash is in heaven he will be my personal champion up there. Maybe he can do something to make sure that my feet avoid the slippery rocks.

dramarama meter; 2003-09-09 2:31 p.m.

Here's something to think about. Everyone who thinks woman are born to doubt themselves when something bad happens to them, raise your hands.

yeah, me too. It's part of the over-analyzing everything glitch.

I am not nearly as distraught as I probably should be. Maybe I should write a disclaimer that clearly states: THIS IS NOTHING NEW. This is everyday bumps and turns. This is only an orange level of distress. Consider this the status quo.

On "As the World Turns" there is a character SUSAN who found out her new doctor/husband RICK was the HOSPITAL SERIAL KILLER. (She's a doctor herself, - a smart lady, recovering alcoholic, formerly conniving.) Her serial killer hubby RICK is in now in police custody. SUSAN's trying to come to grips with how she could have missed noticing the serial killer tendencies in her hubby. She ran out of her house and her daughters EMILY and ALISON(Susan is late 40's early 50's- with a 35 and 18 yr old daughters-realistic...) were worried SUSAN went to have a drink. Turns out she was looking for an AA meeting. She didn't go because she wasn't sure how she was supposed to say "Hello, I'm SUSAN. I'm an alcoholic who unwittingly married a psycho serial killer...!?"

That sentence seems pretty normal to me. A regular level of bizarre. The drama status quo.

Another long time complaint of the Daddyman is my interest in that soap opera. (AS THE WORLD TURNS) I recently pointed out that while I choose to watch a soap opera for entertainment. He chooses to live the soap opera.

I want a time out;2003-09-08 2:39 p.m.

I'm distracted and stressed out about money. I need to tell my landlord what money I can give him for rent now, and when he'll get the rest, but I find myself unable to make that call. I am a disappointment, and I'm in disappointment mode. I really wish I could just put on some kind of grown up costume and play the part, but apparently I can't.

I have a theory as to why this is happening though. I am letting it happen so someone will have to rescue me and maybe I will finally, just finally decide that my only option for survival is to cut the Daddyman out of my life completely once and for all. Have catastrophe be the deciding factor.

I have to realize that this hasn't worked before. One thing my mother said about my parents' decision to not help or be able to see me anymore until I got help was that she hoped that "He would finally step up to the plate and help his family." I found that odd then, and I find it odd now.

My mother's dearest wish is that the Daddyman no longer factors into my life at all. Yet my parents acted in a way (see my post titled "Baby Sister") that forced him to be the one loyal person I had. So now that I am working again, I still have this misplaced sense of obligation that I need to care for and nurture this person who, realistically, has done nothing except make my life more complicated. Because did the Daddyman step up to the plate and help his family? He did try. He tried to until his life became so dramatic that we had to take a backseat.

Here's another interesting question to pose, true believers-

Does LAP want to create chaos and catastrophe so she has no other choice but to move in with the Daddyman?

I'm a little worried that part of me wants that. As to why that might be, I can't say, other than I am lazy and want to spend my money hither and yon rather than using it to be a grown up mommylap in a grown up mommylap costume. I am no longer deluding myself that my sexual connection with my ex hints at some greater life for us both if only he could make some emotional breakthrough. I know that I really believe that whatever I might get from him is not worth what it costs me. It costs me too much just to understand him.

2003-09-05, 3:13 p.m.

About that $$$=happiness glitch. The Daddyman would always even say that if we had money -we'd have nothing to argue about. Most of our arguments have been verbally concerning money, but that's not what they were really about.

I have really let go of the money thing as much as I can. Whenever there is money around -if there is any unhappiness or drama going on (and there always is) is just gets spent. I don't even know how responsible I will have to become before this all stops. Honestly I don't think it ever will stop. It seems ridiculous to know that working full time at $12/hr is not enough to really take care of a family of three with debt. If the Daddyman could reliably pay me the $400/month he's supposed to -my life might financially work. However the Daddyman is nobody to depend on financially. But money is nothing you can depend on either. Mostly it seems like you can depend on trouble and bad luck in this life more than anything else. It's a good thing that I was enlightened to the fact that life is not fair at an early age.

I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea, before I really got to experience the unfairness to its full potential.

brief aside: I want to note for you, that I am feeling quite upbeat as I enter this. I worry that you worry as you read that I am typing with one hand and flagellating with the other. I am not. (for those of you who are not familiar with that term, please hit the link. It might suprise you that the term has nothing to do with masturbation.)

not me; 2003-09-03 12:42 p.m.

There's been a pitch. Not an official offer, mind you, but a pitch.

What if the Daddyman takes the open 2-bedroom apartment in his new building and the girls and I move in with him?

This would mean rent only costing $300/month. And getting to live in a neighborhood I adore.

But with the Daddyman.

We've tried this before. It didn't work. That was in the days when we pretended that his use of crack cocaine was social and controllable. I only considered it to be a concern at that time. Of course, I had no idea.

My mother thoughtfully pointed out that neither the Daddyman nor I are any 'farther along in our lives' than we were 10 years ago. Wasn't that thoughtful? What this made me realize was how completely unimportant that still is to me. All I care about really, is survival. I believe that even as a parent that just a small amount of security is even too much for me to hope for. I really think what's most important is working on meeting responsibilities, love, and support. I wish there was more room to make mistakes, but isn't it better for them to know that financially- there isn't?

I told him (who wasn't actually even making an offer, but did I realize that us living together was something that both girls wanted? That both girls came to him individually to wish?) that I couldn't just move my mess and hope it would get better. If I can't make my life work where I am right now than I have to keep trying until I can. That means that I have to strive for an apartment with every room essentially clean. Bills taken care of. Rent paid on time. Then I can reassess.

What I learned the last time we thought free rent might help us "get back on our feet" was that no amount of money will ever be able to compensate for unhappiness.

I used to assume that my unhappiness grew from his unhappiness. Whereas there is essential truth to that idea, the real truth is much larger. The Daddyman doesn't make me happy.

Although our sexual connection-that passion was so large and unreal and true, he will never love me the way I have always dreamed of being loved. He will never see me as who I believe I am- and not because I'm not that person after all. There are things about me that are SO great that he is apparently blind to. He has never, and will never start a sentence to me with the words-"That's what's so great about you,..." He has always only cherished the way he has looked in my eyes.

I think this pitch is because he feels that he will never be able to escape me- because I am the mother of his children. I would guess that no one would ever love him as much, or have such insight into him. But somebody else would probably be much better at making him happy. Ideally without even having to try much. At least at first. Hopefully he would make them happy enough to work at it when the time came.