I want a time out;2003-09-08 2:39 p.m.

I'm distracted and stressed out about money. I need to tell my landlord what money I can give him for rent now, and when he'll get the rest, but I find myself unable to make that call. I am a disappointment, and I'm in disappointment mode. I really wish I could just put on some kind of grown up costume and play the part, but apparently I can't.

I have a theory as to why this is happening though. I am letting it happen so someone will have to rescue me and maybe I will finally, just finally decide that my only option for survival is to cut the Daddyman out of my life completely once and for all. Have catastrophe be the deciding factor.

I have to realize that this hasn't worked before. One thing my mother said about my parents' decision to not help or be able to see me anymore until I got help was that she hoped that "He would finally step up to the plate and help his family." I found that odd then, and I find it odd now.

My mother's dearest wish is that the Daddyman no longer factors into my life at all. Yet my parents acted in a way (see my post titled "Baby Sister") that forced him to be the one loyal person I had. So now that I am working again, I still have this misplaced sense of obligation that I need to care for and nurture this person who, realistically, has done nothing except make my life more complicated. Because did the Daddyman step up to the plate and help his family? He did try. He tried to until his life became so dramatic that we had to take a backseat.

Here's another interesting question to pose, true believers-

Does LAP want to create chaos and catastrophe so she has no other choice but to move in with the Daddyman?

I'm a little worried that part of me wants that. As to why that might be, I can't say, other than I am lazy and want to spend my money hither and yon rather than using it to be a grown up mommylap in a grown up mommylap costume. I am no longer deluding myself that my sexual connection with my ex hints at some greater life for us both if only he could make some emotional breakthrough. I know that I really believe that whatever I might get from him is not worth what it costs me. It costs me too much just to understand him.