upbeat, not beat up; 2003-09-12 3:32 p.m.

Tomorrow I'm going to a picnic for birth parents and adoptive parents and their kids. This is coming at a good time for me. Seeing April who is adorable and invariably happy and secure with her adoptive family is, believe it or not, a pretty rewarding experience for me. When we were at the hospital I loved watching her Mom holding her, and her whole family. Whenever I see her it's great because she's cute and happy and I have never had a moment of doubt that I did the right thing. I have not ever doubted it was the right thing to do once. I have, at times, felt profoundly grateful that I found someone else to fill her overflowing with love.

I worry that someday she will either hate or idolize me. I mean, her family are a normal, plain family. I -on the other hand, live at the vortex of drama. I know that even with the stipulations that she be able to contact me whenever she wants to, that many of her mysteries will be involving me. I hope that I'm available and present enough that she just knows that I'm human and I'll be whatever I can for her. Being removed from the everyday parenting of her will equip me to be her queen of insight like I am to so many of my friends. But I don't really have any hopes like that for the April. I've quite willingly placed whatever hopes I have on her parents.

The thing that amazes me the most about this whole journey was how blessed I felt giving this baby to this family, and how easy it all is. My faith that it was what was meant to happen was then, and is still- gigantic. That makes it not only easy, but wonderful.

So tomorrow I get to visit with the best decision I've ever made. I'm going to be proud of myself. I'm looking forward to it.