sense and insensibility 2003-08-08 12:14 p.m.

The Daddyman met Olga when her husband shared a room with him in treatment. Olga and the Daddyman didn't like each other at first. I think it was because initially the Daddyman really liked his roomate and Olga was one of the roomate's problems. After treatment it was clear that the roomate's biggest problem was an unending need to drink and be drunk no matter what the time of day. Olga is a Russian girl who is in the US on a temporary VISA. She's a drug counselor in the hospital system. She's working as a counselor-yet she's also still has school to finish. When the daddyman and Olga started hanging out, I didn't think much of it. It's sort of par for the course- He vehemently dislikes someone and then realizes it's attraction. I figured it was a good friend to make even if there was personal and sexual interest there, because she's a drug counselor, I mean those are useful skills to have in your pocket post-recovery...

I was happy for Daddyman, and luckily when the bottom of my life started to drop out and he and Olga were being supportive of me so I felt grateful. I was happily under the illusion that Daddyman was taking things slow in this new relationship- that he wasn't going to sleep with her until she was divorced because Olga was always jumping into new relationships before the old ones had ended. When I found out I was still pregnant (I had thought I had miscarried and in my Celexa haze never followed up with a doctor) and I was seriously considering having an abortion it was Olga that the daddyman talked to, and it was Olga who talked to me, saying that Daddyman wasn't sure he'd be able to live with himself if an abortion took place, and she pledged to support me with the pregnancy whether we kept the baby or gave it up for adoption. It was all very nervous what with the situation making it necessary to define relationships that wouldn't otherwise require definition, but I figured and said;-
"As long as we all try to be honest, anything is really possible."

heh

Shortly after New Year's Eve the Daddyman arrived at my apartment in the early hours, stinking of alcohol and announcing "I broke up with Olga. I've been fucking her since November and we've been smoking tons of crack together, but it's over and I'm probably going to report her to her supervisor tomorrow."all this uttered as his backpack full of his stuff hit the floor.

I got over that bit of drama. When he went back to her about a month later, I got over that drama too. I had to stay calm- I was pregnant. I wanted to like Olga, because I wanted the Daddyman to move past me. I did everything I could not to rely on him for anything- and when I decided that I wouldn't necessarily even be able to count on the two of them to watch the girls when I was in the hospital- I turned to my sister MJ, and then my parents stepped back into the picture. (My parents had been picking up the girls for frequent visits since Christmas. They saw them at least 3 times a month)

While I was in the hospital having the baby, Daddyman & Olga had another fight. Her expectations were just not being reached. I think she'd been thinking she would be able to have this baby given to her somehow through me and Daddyman. That the two of them would be the parents- with rules and structure, and with me playing the role of nurturer. Heh. Things dragged on until the two of them started to plot ways to keep away from each other. Her treachery of being a drug counselor who was smoking gigantic amounts of crack was brought up. Bartering came into play. An empasse was reached through silence and a restraining order. (against Daddyman)

Finally they made a pact. Olga actually turned herself in at work and was on suspension being subjected to frequent and surprise drug testing that makes using for her impossible. Olga dropped the restraining order and Daddyman is working everyday and trying to cope with life. They've both only attended one meeting of any kind, and it was together. He feels that unless he keeps in touch with her that she becomes romanticized, something he's lost, and the contact he has with her now helps him keep things in check with reality. I'm pretty sure he's lying up a big storm until he moves out (because he's still currently staying with me and the girls) and I have no say in the matter. He really wants the use of the extra car once the van is street legal.

I believe she is really bad for him- and he's bad for her. I think they are totally delusional about what's going on now, and what it will become. I've told him that I feel like I have to forgive him because of his role in the girls' lives. Unfortunately he's used up all my forgiveness and I turn her away empty handed. Olga has never apologized to me for any of her lies or machinations in my life. I am the third leg in a dramatic triangle I've never wanted any part of. She is the key ingredient of chaos. I'm tired of this cyclone. I want to be in Oz already... I was told last night that as of today-

"I'm no longer your concern"

'If only... If only..'the woodpecker sighs
the bark on the tree was as soft as the skies
The wolf waits below him, hungry and lonely
and cries to the moon
'If only...if only..'
-Louis Sachar Holes