March 2002 -a little music to add to the scene (posted Aug 2003)

Backtracking, over the weekend after I am faulted at work, but before my accident I am coming to grips that I have been more depressed than I realized, and perhaps it’s been going on for years.

The Daddyman had pointed out that I was depressed and maybe needed help and I was so appalled that a he had the unending gall to suggest that I might be the cause of our issues that I didn’t look at it at all.

In my mind, any depression I was going through was because I was completely overwhelmed by motherhood and the accompanying isolation and unless he, who was supposed to be my childrearing partner, was helping me with those things (those things meaning the issues, not the actual children, although help with the children might have also been nice) unless he was actually helping with those things he remained too much of the issue to be able to pass the buck. I am not that depressed because I leave the house every day and deliver our babies to school. I go to work each day. I do more, therefore I must be able to cope more, lalalalala not me it’s you and you better shut up!

So although I know the Daddyman’s problems are worse and his share of my problems cannot be denied, it suddenly remained that he was right on a certain level and I had to admit that. Also since the girls and I left him, he had been being more of a parent than he ever had been in spite of all his shit. Also he was very vocal in his desire that we remain a family and that I still be his “girlfriend” (his wording and it was cute to refer to the mother of your 2 children as your girlfriend. Really, it was.) So there I was with all this crap in my lap wondering how to proceed.

So when I was dropping off the girls to spend the night with the Daddyman, and he was freaking out because he felt if I was leaving him it must have been for another option, another man- I decided that the most effective means of handling the issue was to reassure him. I reassured him by taking all my clothes off, and lying down on his bed and telling him that if he wanted me so bad, then here I was.

It certainly shut him up.

It also started us talking. Having sex was a visit to the one arena of our relationship that we never had any issues with. And I felt that I had to give him the chance he was asking for because he was asking, and he had been helping, and I thought maybe he’d seen more of what had been going on with me than I had. He was, certainly, the only person who was willing to look at me in terms of the problems going on instead of blaming himself. (He did that too, but not with the blind commitment of everyone else in my life) My heart became soft and hopeful for a brief moment. Where did it lead? Heh.

Car accident #2 was the first cosmic commentary I received about my moment of weakness.